I'm feeling like starting smoking again and maybe getting a tattoo...
Every once in a while I get this weird self destructive urge which seems to have less to do with punk rock and more to do with whether or not I've reached specific goals I've set for my life. I'm 30 now and I have nothing but friends. I don't know why but sometimes friends just don't seem to be enough. I haven't found true love, I haven't figured out how to even support myself at anything but a sub-poverty level...it's depressing to think that after three decades the only thing that I have amassed is a crap-load of experiences that seem to be useless to employers but are priceless to me. I love living my life but damn, why can't somebody pay me for it. It's a pretty rockin' life, full of women and dancing and music that I don't know how to make (another goal deadline missed)(I can only blame myself) and food, lots of delicious food. I wonder if maybe it's the fact that I have to leave Sঈ Paulo this week. I really don't want to leave. It's exciting, new and full of people in a way that Chicago has no Idea (sic) what to do with...and it works. Things get done. Sure, people are racist, people are racist in Chicago. A friend of mine said that his graduating class at University had 1 black person in it...well my graduating high school class had NONE...that's how white my america was until I left the west coast and lived in Chicago...one of the most subliminally racist places I have ever been.
That is what it is. I had a great time last night, but now I have to leave and try to find a job, or at least a steady sugar daddy that can support my meager lifestyle. Damn, this sucks...dothappiness indeed
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My white america actually ended when I left Vancouver, WA and joined the ARMY...See my earlier post on why the ARMY might not be the whitest place on earth...it was sort of a crash course in African Culture as seen by US citizens...Offensive? Help me fix it...
well... what can i say? i don't want to be telling you "see? i told you!" because you're a grown up chimp and you know your way very well. i'm sorry for what happened, really am but think of it as another true brazilian experience, because that's what it is. that's exactly why i aaaaalways told you to....
on the other post about your life. man, wait a second! you had a lot of very important experiences. it doesn't matter if employers don't care about it. YOU do! a lot of them most people don't even dream of having. you have quite a background, mister! and now you're a fucking SAIC undergraduate!! you're building up, dude! things have their time! you're not stuck, you're not sitting over your butt! you're moving on and growing, learning and developing the great person nat buckner is. true love? it does exist? well if it does it's safe somewhere and you'll find it eventually. you're leaving brazil? whatever! you had it for a month and it's been floating here for at least 500 years. you can alwayscome back and it'll greatly receive you!
oh and cut the self punishment crap! you had enough punishment on having your shit taken. get a camera, buy an ipod and move on!
best wishes always
I’m going to have to second your dear friend Pedro,
about the masochistic pity.
Or the world is going to be down one woman who would vanquish it of your mustache.
You are a lucky person who has desire to live and make things in the world. Things that can help people. …unless you’re becoming an in/arch on everyone☺
You can potentially make something much more useful than an ipod.
(What was all of you went on about making and doing when we all tried to explain things to Adelaide, ourselves and everyone else….? It was interesting. And it sounded like you cared.)
And what do lots of us; your friends do at least some of the time that we vanish?
You know photographers.
So tell us about what you are making.
I’m glad you are ok. I hope things are well.
Good night’ she says, when she should have been sleeping
hey nat, wellcome to the jungle, baby...
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