Feeling wierd...

I'm feeling like starting smoking again and maybe getting a tattoo...

Every once in a while I get this weird self destructive urge which seems to have less to do with punk rock and more to do with whether or not I've reached specific goals I've set for my life. I'm 30 now and I have nothing but friends. I don't know why but sometimes friends just don't seem to be enough. I haven't found true love, I haven't figured out how to even support myself at anything but a sub-poverty level...it's depressing to think that after three decades the only thing that I have amassed is a crap-load of experiences that seem to be useless to employers but are priceless to me. I love living my life but damn, why can't somebody pay me for it. It's a pretty rockin' life, full of women and dancing and music that I don't know how to make (another goal deadline missed)(I can only blame myself) and food, lots of delicious food. I wonder if maybe it's the fact that I have to leave Sঈ Paulo this week. I really don't want to leave. It's exciting, new and full of people in a way that Chicago has no Idea (sic) what to do with...and it works. Things get done. Sure, people are racist, people are racist in Chicago. A friend of mine said that his graduating class at University had 1 black person in it...well my graduating high school class had NONE...that's how white my america was until I left the west coast and lived in Chicago...one of the most subliminally racist places I have ever been.

That is what it is. I had a great time last night, but now I have to leave and try to find a job, or at least a steady sugar daddy that can support my meager lifestyle. Damn, this sucks...dothappiness indeed